The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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