i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
