Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
