I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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