I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
