Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
