12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize