just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
