I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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