i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
