i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
