Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
