Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
