Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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