He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sext me about skeletons
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
