He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
