I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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