Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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