Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
from now on my penis is your penis
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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