my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
