I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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