Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
barbara walters just said penis...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
