according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
