Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
