got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Holy shit dude........stairs
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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