I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
