Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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