I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
