Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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