Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
