how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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