I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
