: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
