Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
