I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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