she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
