shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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