Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
