When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
