nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
