the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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