I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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