I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
