even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
