Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
