we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
