My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
