I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
