she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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