I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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