Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
