3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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