I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
