Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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