well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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