I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
