I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
we should paint friendship bongs
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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