I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
